Tag: parenting

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Seth Westmoreland – Intentional Dad

Here is another installment in my effort to regularly “highlight” dads just like you who are seeking to be intentional with their family.

Seth Westmoreland has been married to Rainey for eighteen years and they have two biological children, one adopted toddler and two foster children. Seth graduated from Abilene Christian University with a degree in Education and he spent ten years coaching and teaching at the high school level. He also has a Masters in Christian Leadership. In 2012 he left public education to become the Kids Pastor at Magnolia’s First Baptist Church in Magnolia, TX where they reside.

What is your biggest challenge in being intentional with your kids?

My biggest challenge with intentionality is identifying opportunities to teach. It is imperative to always be alert to teachable moments and be willing to stop what you are doing to make the most of those moments.

What is your favorite memory with your family?
That is difficult, but I would say it would be from this past summer on a trip to California. Having a car full of people, 2 biological kids, carbon copies of my wife and I, one baby recently adopted, and two precious girls who couldn’t be more different from our “norm” in how they were raised; all coming together as a family and truly enjoying the time together. It was a proud and sweet moment for Rainey and I.
How do you and your wife work together to be intentional in the lives of your kids?
Rainey and I have recognized our own strengths and weaknesses. We have intentionally allowed each other to parent to our strengths. For example, Rainey is fantastic in working with the kids on structure, discipline and education matters. I take on the matters of spiritual formation and one on one counseling.
What would you say to another Dad to encourage him in intentionality with his family?
Be on alert, but don’t beat yourself up if an opportunity passes and you miss it. Also, learn to let the little things in life go. Sometimes you have to give and remain quiet on some of the little things in order to have a greater impact on the much more important things. (Basically, be careful to not allow your pride get in the way of opportunities to truly make a difference).
What is your favorite family activity?
Playing out in the front yard, throwing the ball, playing baseball or just watching the kids ride their bikes.
Is there anything you would do different as a dad?
I would not have been so hard on my biological kids. As an older parent of a toddler I have realized the error in trying to correct every behavior and instead I watch for the ones that truly need immediate addressing vs the ones that can be slow played.

If you would like to share your story, answer as many of the questions above as you would like and send it to sray61@gmail.com

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I Say a Little Prayer…for Me

I grew up hearing an eclectic mix of music because of an eclectic-music-loving dad. He truly covered it all. The sounds at the breakfast table could be anything from Joe Cocker’s “She Came in Through the Bathroom Window” to a Beethoven symphony to jazz great Dave Brubeck to some soulful Ray Charles or he might go folk with Judy Collins. He even loved the latin flavor of Jose Feliciano.  All of them started on vinyl, but made their way to a “Realistic” reel-to-reel tape player (He worked for Tandy/Radio Shack) that would play hours of this music. The Christmas season was magical with Handel’s Messiah or the Mormon Tabernacle Choir or Andy Williams on constant play.

One song I remember well and still have in my personal library is Aretha Franklin’s “I Say a Little Prayer” (written by Burt Bacharach – another favorite of dad). Here are lyrics to the first verse:

The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little pray for you
While combing my hair now
And wondering what dress to wear now
I say a little prayer for you

Because of a man by the name of Michael Wells (who passed much too early) I learned to “say a little prayer for me” that was transformational in my parenting and “husband-ing”. But I’m confident it works in EVERY aspect of life. Instead of praying, as I did for many years “Help me be strong. Help me have love. Help me have kindness, etc.” we should pray “Jesus, come and be in me all that I cannot be.” That was the short version. Most of the time it sounded something like this: “Jesus, I cannot be the husband/dad I need to be right now. Would you come and be in me all that I cannot be for my wife/boys.” And guess what? He will. That’s all the invitation that He needs to work in your life and family.

Many Christians grow up hearing and believing that they need to “be like Jesus”. And so we try really hard to be like him, in our own strength. And it leads to a life of “trying harder to do better.” It’s an endless treadmill of self-effort without much progress and a lot of frustration. And if there is progress, we pat ourselves on the back for “doing better”.

Michael Wells (and scripture) have taught me that it is “Christ in me, the hope of glory.” We just need to let Christ be Who He is IN and THROUGH us. Just let him shine through the cracks of your “jar of clay.” Michael would also say “If Jesus is made strong in our weakness, then why do we hide our weaknesses?” And not hiding our weakness begins with that simple prayer of surrender each day and sometimes moment by moment. Pray that prayer and then let Him be Who He is IN you!

I’m not saying that it should be your only prayer in life. Or that this is a “magic” prayer. But it’s a great beginning to “praying without ceasing” throughout your day.

Give it a shot. Tomorrow morning when you sit up on the side of your bed, put your hand over your heart and pray “Jesus, today, come and be in me all that I cannot be.” And make that your daily surrender to all that HE is and wants to BE in your life.

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It Begins With an Intentional Marriage

Maybe I was different. Or maybe I was just the average teen, but I remember really wanting to get married early on. More accurately I wanted to find “her” early on (and marry her as quickly as possible!). I distinctly remember thinking on one of my first dates “This is the one!” (Ok, I confess, it was in the middle of a goodnight kiss on that date). And then I distinctly remember thinking not too long after that, on a different date,  “No, THIS is the one!” (Again, I confess it was in the middle of a goodnight kiss on that date).

Once I realized that I could no longer base a decision about my future wife on the goodnight kiss, I set about gathering intel on who “she” was and what “she” would be like. I never made an actual list of qualities (like my wife did), but I was keeping a list in my head of those qualities I desired in a wife. And I would add to that list at the end of each relationship. It was somewhat like putting together a puzzle and each relationship took me one piece closer to seeing the entire picture. One day after another relationship came to an end I thought “I know what she looks like”. Not in a physical sense of blonde hair or blue eyes, but I could see “who” she was going to be. It was like all the pieces of the puzzle were finally in place. It took a long time. I was twenty-seven years old when I met my future wife and twenty-nine when we married. (By the way, my wife helped me with the puzzle analogy early on. One time I told her very proudly she was “the final piece in the puzzle”. She very kindly corrected me and said “No, I AM the puzzle”. Sometimes, guys, we should keep our thoughts to ourselves)

Becoming an intentional dad does not happen in a vacuum. I believe it must be rooted in an intentional marriage. So much is “caught” by our kids from our marriages. Here is a quote from my oldest son’s Father’s Day text: “I watched you love mom like she hung the moon and stars”. We don’t always know they’re watching and listening, but they are and they pick up on the good AND the bad. The grace piece of the puzzle is the verse I shared in my last post “Love covers a multitude of sins.” (1 Peter 4:8) Somehow God can use even our failures when we are transparent and authentic about them (AND learning from them) in front of our kids.

So men (and ladies), be intentional about loving your spouse well…in front of your kids. Love them as Christ loves the church and gave himself for her (Ephesians 5:25).

Single parents: There is nothing that says you can’t be intentional about raising your kids without a spouse. Let your kids see your sacrificial interactions with other members of your family as well as your friends. They can still learn valuable lessons from the way you handle relationships.

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Fathers Day 2017

Day 8,500 (give or take) of being “Dad”.

June 18th, 2017 was a blessed day. Not because it was Sunday, but because I got “Happy Father’s Day” text messages from both of my boys. And each text had its own personality.  I started reading the text from Austin (oldest) right before church started and I had to stop reading after just a couple of sentences because I knew it was going to take an emotional toll on me and I was about to lead worship for two services. Tyler (youngest) sent his Father’s Day text later that evening. They were both emotional because my boys moved away this summer. Austin has moved away for the foreseeable future to give up a long distance relationship in favor of dating his “bae” in the same town (Memphis…Tennessee…2 states to the east…ten hours by car). Tyler moved near Lake City, Colorado to work maintenance at a camp all summer (two states to the west…20 hours by car).

Austin graduated from Houston Baptist University on May 13th. Holly (my wife) cried on the way home after graduation lunch even though Austin would not actually move until June 3rd. I was not feeling the emotions just yet, but I drove Tyler to Colorado the next day on May 14th. On the way back from Colorado on May 16th the tears started to flow. I got teary-eyed leaving Tyler at the camp and the tears came intermittently for the next few hours until I had to pull over because I could no longer see through the flood of tears and the full on “ugly cry”.

I kept asking myself “What is your problem? He’ll be back mid-August!” Then I realized that it wasn’t just about Tyler. It was about grieving the loss of fatherhood. Oh, I know that I will continue to be a father for a long time, Lord willing. But coupled with Austin’s departure this was the ending of an era.

And that has caused me to reflect on fatherhood. Specifically “intentional” fatherhood. The kind of fatherhood where you determine early on that you want to raise the bar set by your father. And the bar set by his father. And I want my boys to raise the bar again. As a matter of fact Austin’s text included “You have set the bar of fatherhood so high and I cannot wait to try and top it.” Tyler said “I couldn’t have a better role model…” I love that they want to model fatherhood even better than their old man.

Somewhere along this path, with the help of people who poured into my life, I realized that marriage and parenthood don’t just happen. I wanted to be “intentional” about both of those incredibly important things in my life. And if I had another lifetime and could know what I know now,  I would be even MORE intentional than I was in this lifetime.

I love the synonyms for the word “intentional”:
deliberate, calculated, conscious, intended, planned, meant, studied, knowing, willful, purposeful, purposive, done on purpose, premeditated, preplanned, preconceived.

For the most part, I tried to “plan” and “premeditate” how I wanted to be a father. I “studied” what it meant to be a father (thank you Promise Keepers among many others). I was “deliberate” in spending quality time with my boys (and my wife!). I was “purposeful” about creating memories for my boys. I was “calculated” in those “teachable moments” about godly manhood. I was “conscious” of my example around them.

But it was all because of God’s grace. And the beautiful thing about God’s grace is that even though I failed many times in this endeavor, my boys have shown that “love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8 NLT).