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Seth Westmoreland – Intentional Dad

Here is another installment in my effort to regularly “highlight” dads just like you who are seeking to be intentional with their family.

Seth Westmoreland has been married to Rainey for eighteen years and they have two biological children, one adopted toddler and two foster children. Seth graduated from Abilene Christian University with a degree in Education and he spent ten years coaching and teaching at the high school level. He also has a Masters in Christian Leadership. In 2012 he left public education to become the Kids Pastor at Magnolia’s First Baptist Church in Magnolia, TX where they reside.

What is your biggest challenge in being intentional with your kids?

My biggest challenge with intentionality is identifying opportunities to teach. It is imperative to always be alert to teachable moments and be willing to stop what you are doing to make the most of those moments.

What is your favorite memory with your family?
That is difficult, but I would say it would be from this past summer on a trip to California. Having a car full of people, 2 biological kids, carbon copies of my wife and I, one baby recently adopted, and two precious girls who couldn’t be more different from our “norm” in how they were raised; all coming together as a family and truly enjoying the time together. It was a proud and sweet moment for Rainey and I.
How do you and your wife work together to be intentional in the lives of your kids?
Rainey and I have recognized our own strengths and weaknesses. We have intentionally allowed each other to parent to our strengths. For example, Rainey is fantastic in working with the kids on structure, discipline and education matters. I take on the matters of spiritual formation and one on one counseling.
What would you say to another Dad to encourage him in intentionality with his family?
Be on alert, but don’t beat yourself up if an opportunity passes and you miss it. Also, learn to let the little things in life go. Sometimes you have to give and remain quiet on some of the little things in order to have a greater impact on the much more important things. (Basically, be careful to not allow your pride get in the way of opportunities to truly make a difference).
What is your favorite family activity?
Playing out in the front yard, throwing the ball, playing baseball or just watching the kids ride their bikes.
Is there anything you would do different as a dad?
I would not have been so hard on my biological kids. As an older parent of a toddler I have realized the error in trying to correct every behavior and instead I watch for the ones that truly need immediate addressing vs the ones that can be slow played.

If you would like to share your story, answer as many of the questions above as you would like and send it to sray61@gmail.com

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Cat’s in the Cradle

https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/cats-in-the-cradle-vacancy-digital-45-single/326623891

If ever there was a song written for Intentional Dads, it is the 1974 number one hit “Cat’s in the Cradle” by Harry Chapin. I’ll save you the diatribe on how the seventies produced true “story songs” in contrast to some of the songwriting compositions today with mind-blowing lyrics like “I whip my hair back and forth”.

According to our good friend Wikipedia:

The song’s lyrics began as a poem written by Harry’s wife, Sandra; the poem itself was inspired by the awkward relationship between her first husband and his father. Chapin also said the song was about his own relationship with his son, Josh, admitting, “Frankly, this song scares me to death.”[5]

I don’t know the history of Chapin and his own son, but I hope he was scared enough to be intentional with the relatively few years that we have with our kids.

The older my boys got, the more anxious I was about the time spent with them because it seemed to be going by so fast. My wife and I still get teary-eyed watching videos of our boys when they were pre-school age because it feels like we blinked and they were grown men. All the more reason to make those moments count.

If you’ve never heard the song or have forgotten, let these words resonate deep inside of you.

My child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch, and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
And he was talking ‘fore I knew it, and as he grew
He’d say, I’m gonna be like you, dad
You know I’m gonna be like you

And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
When you coming home, dad?
I don’t know when, but we’ll get together then
You know we’ll have a good time then

My son turned ten just the other day
He said, thanks for the ball, dad, come on let’s play
Can you teach me to throw, I said, not today
I got a lot to do, he said, that’s okay
And he walked away, but his smile never dimmed
Said, I’m gonna be like him, yeah
You know I’m gonna be like him

And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
When you coming home, dad?
I don’t know when, but we’ll get together then
You know we’ll have a good time then

Well, he came from college just the other day
So much like a man I just had to say
Son, I’m proud of you
Can you sit for a while?
He shook his head, and he said with a smile
What I’d really like, dad, is to borrow the car keys
See you later, can I have them please?

And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
When you coming home, son?
I don’t know when, but we’ll get together then
You know we’ll have a good time then

I’ve long since retired and my son’s moved away
I called him up just the other day
I said, I’d like to see you if you don’t mind
He said, I’d love to, dad, if I could find the time
You see, my new job’s a hassle, and the kid’s got the flu
But it’s sure nice talking to you, dad
It’s been sure nice talking to you
And as I hung up the phone, it occurred to me
He’d grown up just like me
My boy was just like me

And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
When you coming home, son?
I don’t know when, but we’ll get together then
You know we’ll have a good time then

Dad, I pray that, like Harry Chapin, this song “scares you to death” and that you make the most of every moment you have with your kids…even when you’re exhausted after a long day at work…even when you hear others talk about getting some “me time”…even when you just don’t want to “go outside and play.” One day, you’ll have plenty of time for all of those things clamoring for your attention that have nothing to do with raising healthy children.

You can do this dad. I believe in you.

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Jay Anderson – Intentional Dad

One of the goals of this blog is to encourage dads along their journey of fatherhood. One of the ways that I want to do that is to tell the story of regular dads here in this blog. Dads just like you who have many of the same stressors, time limitations, personal issues and struggles.

I’m starting off with a relatively young dad who I have known for over a decade. Jay Anderson is the Youth Pastor at First Baptist Church in Vidor, Texas. He is married to Rachel and they have 2 children. He graduated from Texas A&M University with a degree in Recreation Park and Tourism Sciences.  Here’s Jay…

What is your biggest challenge in being intentional with your kids?

My biggest challenge in being intentional with my kids is the end of the work day ‘low’. After hours of coffee intake and different work responsibilities I get home, grab the kids and realize after a few minutes of intentionality that I may have dozed off and I’m not sure for how long. But I can always count on the kids to body slam me in just the right place to give me a quick jolt.

What is your favorite memory with your family?

My favorite family memories are about as boring as they come. A true day off is hard to come by in ministry but when they do we are always doing something. There are times where Mother Nature intrudes on those plans and it becomes a snuggle-on-the-couch, hide-n-seek, candy-land kind of day. It’s those days that stick with me the most, where I realize that in the end not only are these my kids and she my wife, but these are the people I want to spend everyday with, and that quality time isn’t an obligation.

How do you and your wife work together to be intentional in the lives of your kids?

My wife is a rockstar, and I’m more of the guy in charge of lights and sound. She is simultaneously caring for a 6 month old, entertaining and educating a 3 year old, cooking 5-star meals, cleaning a house, and cultivating a home life for our kids that point them to Jesus. Without her I don’t know how our home would function. Not that my role as family dinner devotion leader and evening entertainer aren’t valid roles, I just will forever be indebted to my wife’s sacrificial love.

What would you say to another Dad to encourage him in intentionality with his family?

There is no cookie cutter “How to be a successful Discipling Dad” guide. Well, the Bible, but other than that, there isn’t anything. Life throws curveball after curveball and sometimes family dinner looks like Taco Bell on the living room floor watching 90’s cartoons to brainwash your children. But what matters most is that you keep yourself rooted in scripture, in God’s love and let that flow from you. Not everyday needs to be Instagram worthy, but everyday needs to be filled with love.

What is your favorite family activity?

By far my favorite family activity is family dinners and not just because my wife could put Pioneer Woman out of a job. It is a time we have cultivated to be filled with prayer and conversation. Granted sometimes the day goes off the rails, or we have ministry obligations and we improvise, but we never compromise that time together as a family. It is what I look forward to every day.

Is there anything you would do different as a dad?

I can look back and critique so many things I have done wrong. I’ve spoken out in anger, I’ve manipulated situations to meet selfish needs, the list goes on. But what it all comes down to is that when I am distant from the Lord, the flesh takes over. What I have learned and work to correct everyday is leaning on the Lord with everything. Ultimately what I would do differently is go back to before marriage and work in my intentional relationship with the Lord. I played a lot of catch-up in my walk with God in marriage and into parenthood. But if I could go back and learn discipline and be focused on His word and truth, I would.

Thank you Jay!

If you would like to share your story, send an email with answers to one or all of the questions above, as well as a family photo to sray61@gmail.com

You can do this, dad!

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We Need to Raise Our Babies

Holly and I spent last Friday and Saturday at the Magnolia Market “Silobration” in Waco, TX (aka Chip & Joanna Gaines, aka HGTV’s “Fixer Upper”). It had been a hectic few weeks for Holly at her school and this was a much needed getaway for both of us. We got there Friday night about 8pm. Too late to hear Jon Foreman of Switchfoot, but just in time to hear Chip and Joanna talking about their “retirement” from their highly watched series after five seasons. To quote them from Joanna’s blog (https://magnoliamarket.com/our-last-season/):

“This is just us recognizing that we need to catch our breath for a moment. Our plan is to take this time to shore up and strengthen the spots that are weak, rest the places that are tired and give lots of love and attention to both our family and our businesses.”

What I heard loud and clear from Chip that night was “We need to raise our babies.”

I love that.

If you have watched any episode of “Fixer Upper” you have witnessed their commitment to family. I think that’s why the show has been so popular. They seem to be very “intentional” with their kids. Even to the point of having no TV in the house (they would visit friends with a TV to watch new episodes of the show). They have been great models of intentional parenting (what little we get to see) to America and I love that too. This “retirement” from TV is just another intentional move.

Life is hectic enough for you and I. Add lights, cameras, a thriving business, whirlwind book tours and people clamoring for your attention and it’s a recipe for disaster for the average family. Anyone remember “Jon and Kate Plus Eight”? Sad story. Very sad story because I remember “all the feels” while watching that show too.

All of this is to say, I hope you’ll be encouraged by this Texas family. I promise they would tell you that when the cameras aren’t around, there are fights and disagreements and hurt feelings and their kids will grow up and make poor choices, just like mine and yours, but they are being intentional. And it will make a difference in the lives of their kids long after “Fixer Upper” is a faint memory.

What bold move do you need to make to be more intentional with your kids? If you’re like me, it won’t involve retiring from a TV show, but it might mean a change in jobs so that you’re home more. Or making a commitment to eating dinner together several nights a week. Or it might be as simple as turning off “Fixer Upper” and getting up off the couch because someone is saying “Daddy swing me.”

You can do this.

 

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I Say a Little Prayer…for Me

I grew up hearing an eclectic mix of music because of an eclectic-music-loving dad. He truly covered it all. The sounds at the breakfast table could be anything from Joe Cocker’s “She Came in Through the Bathroom Window” to a Beethoven symphony to jazz great Dave Brubeck to some soulful Ray Charles or he might go folk with Judy Collins. He even loved the latin flavor of Jose Feliciano.  All of them started on vinyl, but made their way to a “Realistic” reel-to-reel tape player (He worked for Tandy/Radio Shack) that would play hours of this music. The Christmas season was magical with Handel’s Messiah or the Mormon Tabernacle Choir or Andy Williams on constant play.

One song I remember well and still have in my personal library is Aretha Franklin’s “I Say a Little Prayer” (written by Burt Bacharach – another favorite of dad). Here are lyrics to the first verse:

The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little pray for you
While combing my hair now
And wondering what dress to wear now
I say a little prayer for you

Because of a man by the name of Michael Wells (who passed much too early) I learned to “say a little prayer for me” that was transformational in my parenting and “husband-ing”. But I’m confident it works in EVERY aspect of life. Instead of praying, as I did for many years “Help me be strong. Help me have love. Help me have kindness, etc.” we should pray “Jesus, come and be in me all that I cannot be.” That was the short version. Most of the time it sounded something like this: “Jesus, I cannot be the husband/dad I need to be right now. Would you come and be in me all that I cannot be for my wife/boys.” And guess what? He will. That’s all the invitation that He needs to work in your life and family.

Many Christians grow up hearing and believing that they need to “be like Jesus”. And so we try really hard to be like him, in our own strength. And it leads to a life of “trying harder to do better.” It’s an endless treadmill of self-effort without much progress and a lot of frustration. And if there is progress, we pat ourselves on the back for “doing better”.

Michael Wells (and scripture) have taught me that it is “Christ in me, the hope of glory.” We just need to let Christ be Who He is IN and THROUGH us. Just let him shine through the cracks of your “jar of clay.” Michael would also say “If Jesus is made strong in our weakness, then why do we hide our weaknesses?” And not hiding our weakness begins with that simple prayer of surrender each day and sometimes moment by moment. Pray that prayer and then let Him be Who He is IN you!

I’m not saying that it should be your only prayer in life. Or that this is a “magic” prayer. But it’s a great beginning to “praying without ceasing” throughout your day.

Give it a shot. Tomorrow morning when you sit up on the side of your bed, put your hand over your heart and pray “Jesus, today, come and be in me all that I cannot be.” And make that your daily surrender to all that HE is and wants to BE in your life.

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It Begins With an Intentional Marriage

Maybe I was different. Or maybe I was just the average teen, but I remember really wanting to get married early on. More accurately I wanted to find “her” early on (and marry her as quickly as possible!). I distinctly remember thinking on one of my first dates “This is the one!” (Ok, I confess, it was in the middle of a goodnight kiss on that date). And then I distinctly remember thinking not too long after that, on a different date,  “No, THIS is the one!” (Again, I confess it was in the middle of a goodnight kiss on that date).

Once I realized that I could no longer base a decision about my future wife on the goodnight kiss, I set about gathering intel on who “she” was and what “she” would be like. I never made an actual list of qualities (like my wife did), but I was keeping a list in my head of those qualities I desired in a wife. And I would add to that list at the end of each relationship. It was somewhat like putting together a puzzle and each relationship took me one piece closer to seeing the entire picture. One day after another relationship came to an end I thought “I know what she looks like”. Not in a physical sense of blonde hair or blue eyes, but I could see “who” she was going to be. It was like all the pieces of the puzzle were finally in place. It took a long time. I was twenty-seven years old when I met my future wife and twenty-nine when we married. (By the way, my wife helped me with the puzzle analogy early on. One time I told her very proudly she was “the final piece in the puzzle”. She very kindly corrected me and said “No, I AM the puzzle”. Sometimes, guys, we should keep our thoughts to ourselves)

Becoming an intentional dad does not happen in a vacuum. I believe it must be rooted in an intentional marriage. So much is “caught” by our kids from our marriages. Here is a quote from my oldest son’s Father’s Day text: “I watched you love mom like she hung the moon and stars”. We don’t always know they’re watching and listening, but they are and they pick up on the good AND the bad. The grace piece of the puzzle is the verse I shared in my last post “Love covers a multitude of sins.” (1 Peter 4:8) Somehow God can use even our failures when we are transparent and authentic about them (AND learning from them) in front of our kids.

So men (and ladies), be intentional about loving your spouse well…in front of your kids. Love them as Christ loves the church and gave himself for her (Ephesians 5:25).

Single parents: There is nothing that says you can’t be intentional about raising your kids without a spouse. Let your kids see your sacrificial interactions with other members of your family as well as your friends. They can still learn valuable lessons from the way you handle relationships.

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Fathers Day 2017

Day 8,500 (give or take) of being “Dad”.

June 18th, 2017 was a blessed day. Not because it was Sunday, but because I got “Happy Father’s Day” text messages from both of my boys. And each text had its own personality.  I started reading the text from Austin (oldest) right before church started and I had to stop reading after just a couple of sentences because I knew it was going to take an emotional toll on me and I was about to lead worship for two services. Tyler (youngest) sent his Father’s Day text later that evening. They were both emotional because my boys moved away this summer. Austin has moved away for the foreseeable future to give up a long distance relationship in favor of dating his “bae” in the same town (Memphis…Tennessee…2 states to the east…ten hours by car). Tyler moved near Lake City, Colorado to work maintenance at a camp all summer (two states to the west…20 hours by car).

Austin graduated from Houston Baptist University on May 13th. Holly (my wife) cried on the way home after graduation lunch even though Austin would not actually move until June 3rd. I was not feeling the emotions just yet, but I drove Tyler to Colorado the next day on May 14th. On the way back from Colorado on May 16th the tears started to flow. I got teary-eyed leaving Tyler at the camp and the tears came intermittently for the next few hours until I had to pull over because I could no longer see through the flood of tears and the full on “ugly cry”.

I kept asking myself “What is your problem? He’ll be back mid-August!” Then I realized that it wasn’t just about Tyler. It was about grieving the loss of fatherhood. Oh, I know that I will continue to be a father for a long time, Lord willing. But coupled with Austin’s departure this was the ending of an era.

And that has caused me to reflect on fatherhood. Specifically “intentional” fatherhood. The kind of fatherhood where you determine early on that you want to raise the bar set by your father. And the bar set by his father. And I want my boys to raise the bar again. As a matter of fact Austin’s text included “You have set the bar of fatherhood so high and I cannot wait to try and top it.” Tyler said “I couldn’t have a better role model…” I love that they want to model fatherhood even better than their old man.

Somewhere along this path, with the help of people who poured into my life, I realized that marriage and parenthood don’t just happen. I wanted to be “intentional” about both of those incredibly important things in my life. And if I had another lifetime and could know what I know now,  I would be even MORE intentional than I was in this lifetime.

I love the synonyms for the word “intentional”:
deliberate, calculated, conscious, intended, planned, meant, studied, knowing, willful, purposeful, purposive, done on purpose, premeditated, preplanned, preconceived.

For the most part, I tried to “plan” and “premeditate” how I wanted to be a father. I “studied” what it meant to be a father (thank you Promise Keepers among many others). I was “deliberate” in spending quality time with my boys (and my wife!). I was “purposeful” about creating memories for my boys. I was “calculated” in those “teachable moments” about godly manhood. I was “conscious” of my example around them.

But it was all because of God’s grace. And the beautiful thing about God’s grace is that even though I failed many times in this endeavor, my boys have shown that “love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8 NLT).